My Spiritual Journey
I had a huge spiritual experience this weekend. I feel lighter and brighter today, I might even say more joyful 🥳. I will explain but I need to go back a few months....
I am the type of person that needs concrete explanations, not symbols or cryptic messages. I have tried to explain this to my spirit guides and Source several times that I need a brick thrown at me sometimes because I feel I miss things that are important at times.
My mother had a major stroke 5 years ago which put her in a nursing facility for the rest of her life. I have been her guardian/conservator since then because my brother, who lives an hour away as opposed to me living 26 hours away, was not capable of the responsibility. (A story for another time).
I had to go to virtual court for my mother's Medicaid approval and my yearly guardianship/conservatorship evaluation. The judge explained to me that I need to visit her yearly as part of the guardianship. No one explained this to me and I never read the paperwork. I've been her guardian for 5 years.
I was upset because I didn't want to go back to Colorado AT ALL! Let alone to see a woman who is no longer the mother I knew. Also, I knew it would cost money and time I wasn't willing or able to really give up. (I know this all sounds cruel and selfish but there is a lot of baggage from the past so please don't judge).
So I booked my trip, paid the money, and came to the reality that it HAD to be done. I flew out this past Friday from Greensboro to Colorado Springs and flew back to Greensboro yesterday.
In the 3 days I was away from my life I realized that the court order WAS my brick from Source! I truly needed to visit my mother. I spent about 2 hours on Saturday with her and it felt like I was visiting a client when I was a home health nurse. I basically did an evaluation of her care as if I were her nurse. She still deserves good care as a human being after all.
I talked to her, showed her pictures and video chatted with my daughter and her kids. I am still not sure what she knows or understands. I did not feel much emotion except maybe some sadness for her and the choices she made in her life.
I know now that I am living MY life the way I want to. I am not living for anyone's approval, especially my mother's. So if people think I am not feeling the way I am supposed to when they read this, that is their judgment, not mine. WOW, that took many years to feel okay about.
What I have learned personally and spiritually; I am in charge of my life. What I feel and say and do are TOTALLY my choice and it is okay to not conform to how I think society thinks about how I should feel, say, and do. This is so freeing. Of course, I am empathetic and operate with compassion, I am not a cold-hearted bitch...
I hope others feel this way too. We are on our own journey with our own choices and experiences but we also intertwine with so many others. Kindness, compassion, and empathy help me live the peaceful joyous life I am living. Love you all